Have you been wanting to cry about your first-world problems to a licensed professional but didn’t know which gender therapist you wanted to use? First of all, gender is a social construct, so go fuck yourself. Second of all, if we entertain this notion of the existence of gender for a minute, look no further than They/Them/Theirapy™ for the solution to all your made-up problems. Our board-certified, gender-nonconforming Theirapists™ are trained in the BINDER™ System (Believe/ Investigate/ Notice/ Define/ Experiment/ Reassess).

In case you need convincing, let’s break down the dynamics between therapists and patients of each gender.

Female therapist/female patient: We know your female therapist gossips. You know your female therapist gossips. Here’s how you know: When is the last time you heard gossip about family drama, friendship drama, hookups, or god knows what else and haven’t made a beeline for the nearest group chat? Nothing can happen to anyone in this world that doesn’t need to be told to friends, classmates, coworkers, or the guy who clearly likes you but you’re hoping he stays shy enough not to make a move because you like keeping him around as a pseudo-gay bestie who gives you attention when the guy you really like doesn’t.

The only reason you would want a female therapist is to hear her stories about her other patients’ fucked up behaviors to justify your own. We know you’re not actually seeking useful advice, so that leaves us with validation, which only requires an enabling friend at little to no cost. Want to string along a few guys at once for free meals and trips knowing full well you have no future plans with any of them? YASS KWEEN GO GET YOURS. Want to play the victim in every interpersonal conflict without ever having to consider that you might bear a nonzero proportion of responsibility for it? GO OFF KWEEN EVERYONE ELSE IS TOXIC AND NARCISSISTIC. That sounds miles better than a gossipy therapist who might slip up and dispense occasional constructive criticism, so we can cross female off your list.

Female therapist/male patient: You started out with noble intentions: to work on improving yourself and your outlook on life. You are seeking purpose and inviting responsibility in the hopes that you will better serve those around you. You want your family and friends to see you as respectable and dependable. That all sounds lovely, but let’s cut the shit. You’re going to fall in love. It’s been years since you’ve opened up to a woman about your self-doubt. And every other time you’ve done so, you regretted it shortly after. At least in those cases they stopped listening anyway after their pussies dried out and shriveled up like an earthworm on hot asphalt.

You can’t stomach paying over $100 per session, so you choose the therapist just looking for work and regular patients. She just got her graduate degree, and she’s young with fresh new ideas on how to handle stress and negative thoughts. You’ve never had the experience of a woman taking an active interest in your emotions. Maybe if you weren’t debilitatingly shy and had a girlfriend or two over the years, you may be more used to this. But this is new, and it feels good to be heard. Never mind the fact that you’re paying her to listen; no need to spoil the moment. You conflate her reassurance and requests to expand upon your thoughts as genuine connection. And because you’ve only talked to about two girls in your life, you conflate connection with romantic and sexual attraction. In a matter of three weekly sessions, you’re in love. It’s a good thing she’s a terrible therapist, otherwise she might accidently help you work up the courage to ask her out. Eventually you run out of things to talk about, but your sorry ass still pays her every week to sit in the same room and make small talk for an hour. Now you consider paying a hooker the same rate because at least you’ll get a nut out of it. Your mind immediately goes to being short on cash before Big Rodney dangles you off a fire escape until you Venmo him for your hour with Serenity. And when you come to, you realize you need to cross female therapist off your list.

Male therapist/female patient: We know your male therapist wants to fuck you. You know your male therapist wants to fuck you. You’re a mid-twenties damsel in distress, navigating your way through post-college dating, self-doubt about your career path, impostor syndrome, guilt about letting down your parents, money issues, friendship issues, trust issues. As you open up about your deepest insecurities, he stares blankly while searching for flaws in your facial structure and tries to gauge your cup size through your late-autumn layers (you know what they say, the sweater adds 30ccs). He doesn’t care that you’re rambling on about struggling to determine which of the 12 guys on your roster might make any money one day. He knows he can make them all go away with buzzwords like toxic, gaslight, red flag, nice guy, pick me, narcissist, dark triad, goober, mama’s boy, Republitard, goy, alt-right, Rogan-listener, etc. Then he’ll swoop in and ask for a session with a “change of scenery” like a coffee shop, park, restaurant, or his place. And before you can ask “Why is my cosmo fizzing?”, he’s sent you a $184 invoice for an individual session plus two drinks.

He assures you he has never dated a patient. He’s just coming off a breakup himself and is looking for, coincidentally, a nice girl like you. And since he already knows so much about you, he tells you he figures it’s worth a shot. But you know it’s not. He knows when and how to reassure you to get in your pants, and then he’ll use your insecurities against you once you’ve exhausted your use to him. But you’ll still catch feelings, so save the heartache and cross male therapist off your list.

Male therapist/male patient: Yes, you’re correct. It’s gay to open up about your problems to a guy you barely know. You have no male friends you’re comfortable being vulnerable around, so you’re stuck paying for advice from a guy who clearly has no respect for you. He’s sitting there smirking, trying not to laugh as you flesh out your shitty business idea, complain about your job you’re too chickenshit to quit, or cry about the girl whose feelings toward you you wildly overestimated. He’ll ask for her name and tell you to say her name out loud to reduce the stranglehold she has on your thoughts. The next session he’ll say he has been DMing her on Instagram to get to know her better, or “additional context for your conversations” as he likes to say. The session afterward he’ll ask if you don’t mind if he asks her out for dinner and drinks, and you know this is a power play. If you say you do mind, he’ll call your bluff and give you a week to ask her out, and everyone knows you’re too afraid. So you say you don’t mind, and before you know it, he’s plowing her after oysters and martinis. Maybe it’s for the best, as you would completely fumble any opportunity you might have to date her. You assume he’s been shit-talking about you to make her laugh, but don’t flatter yourself. You haven’t crossed either of their minds in days.

But you still go back every week like the spineless worm you are, and he continues to smirk at the sad life you’re living, somehow thinking you deserve good things even though you’ve never lifted a finger for anyone else. Never taken a risk to make good things happen. He eventually drops you as a patient because he “wants to take his practice in a different direction.” I would make a joke that you’ve heard that line before from several girls, but it would be too generous to assume you’ve made it to a first date with anyone. So your little experiment is over, and your therapist is still dating the girl you’re still always thinking about, so go ahead a cross male therapist off your list too.

So, where does that leave us? By process of (extremely rational) elimination, you are in need of a non-binary Theirapist™. They won’t gossip, you won’t fall in love, and they won’t fuck you or your crush on account of bottom surgery and heavy SSRI doses. They will listen and provide honest, unambiguous feedback in stark contrast to their ambiguous gender expression. Avoid the drama and book your appointment at They/Them/Theirapy™ today.