Have you ever seen a beautiful person in the gym, at the beach, in the grocery store, or at a family reunion and thought, “Can’t you go be hot somewhere else and leave the rest of us alone?”

Hi, I’m DannyPlops, and I’m running as a member of the Normie Party in the 2028 United States presidential election.

If enough of you fat uggos vote for me, my top legislative priority is to finally deal with the most pressing issue facing everyday Americans: hot people. For too long they have been flaunting their looks in our faces, forcing us to stare at them, send them unsolicited messages, and sexually harass them. To the hotties, please be more considerate. I have shit to do, and you’re making me take valuable time out of my day to follow you around Target and across the parking lot. That’s right, sugartits, I’m the victim here.

Most politicians say they run on uniting the country, but we all know that’s bullshit. They become extremely divisive on the campaign trail and in debates before serving their corporate masters while in office, continuing to blame this country’s problems on the rhetoric of the other side. I hope you find a breath of fresh air in my honest approach, which is running unequivocally and unambiguously on dividing the country – dividing it into the Normie 49 and California. This program will not come without pushback or legislative hurdles, so I will do my best to quell your concerns.

But isn’t this type of segregation a civil rights violation?

Well, since you’re the expert, I’m sure you can show me in the Civil Rights Act where studmuffins are a protected class. They violate our rights on a daily basis anyway, like our right to watch the road while driving or our right to realistic expectations. So at worst we can call it a wash.

Let’s not pretend the babes are getting the short end of the stick here. California, in all its natural beauty, has more than enough housing, resources, and recreation to support its proposed residents. Besides, don’t you want to live with your own kind anyway, away from us trolls, goblins, dadbods, skinnyfats, whales, and amorphous piles of rotting flesh? Away from our greasy hair, pimply faces, foul breath, stained sweatpants, and Cheeto-dusted fingers? I’m doing you a huge favor, and all I ask is your vote in return. Of course you might get crushed under rubble in an eartquake or charred beyond recognition in a wildfire, but you would be living freely with like-minded and like-bodied people. I would say it’s a small price to pay, but you probably haven’t paid full price for anything in your sexy little life.

Now, this will be a forced relocation program, but only at first. After the initial rounds of immigration, the Normies will identify all candidates for transfer. California will be granted full autonomy over its side of the border, meaning relocated individuals may be denied crossing. Additionally, Californians may be deported to the Normie 49 if they no longer meet attractiveness standards due to a sudden “thyroid issue” or aging out of sexiness. But we don’t want the olds anyway, so just dump them in the Pacific to save everyone the cost and paperwork headache.

Subject to further negotiations, there are a few conditions where permanent or temporary crossing is permitted outside of the beauty criterion. For example, ugly billionaires may be relocated to California for marriage purposes. Take all their money and kill them for all we care. Smokeshows may digitally cross the border by shaking their Laffy Taffy on the internet for money. I know better than to get between a thot and her revenue streams. However, crossing the border for in-person sex work is strictly prohibited due to concerns of raising male confidence and female beauty standards, although professional massages (NO FUNNY BUSINESS) are permitted, but the practitioner must say, “Wow, you’re muscles are really tight. Have you been working out?” or similar.

Like most pieces of legislation, there will be unfortunate edge cases, those caught at the cutoff points of applicability. What about the people barely hot enough for relocation? Once a Normie 9 living the good life, she is now a Cali 4 and no one will look at her or touch her. Cry me a river, and adjust. Am I suggesting that she may need something resembling a personality to complement her suddenly middling looks? Yes, I am. Over on our side, all we have are our personalities, and most of us have terrible ones.

But what do we do about the children? Do we break up families?

It’s always about the kids for you, isn’t it. Yes, we will break up families. If you’re a hot child of ugly parents – congratulations – but get the fuck out. If you’re an ugly child of hot parents – my condolences – now get your ugly duckling ass over here. It’s all for the greater good of both territories.

Now I did mention kids there, which is where it gets tricky. There are some tough calls that will be ironed out in the legislative process and must be defended if challenged in the judicial system. Calls like at what age do we determine hotness? The obvious and politically correct answer is 18, but come on. Let’s be mature enough to admit we can recognize a hot kid when we see one. And besides, we’re protecting them from ugly pedophiles anyway. If a pedophile wants to molest my future daughter, he better be fucking hot. Not to mention a diddled hot kid is a lock for future Hollywood star. That’s a good way to frame it. Maybe I’m not so bad at this politics thing. Only sexy pedophiles will molest your kids, and that’s a DannyPlops guarantee.

What about the vulnerable children in the Normie 49 separated from their parents? Sure, pal. Show me an ugly kid making assault accusations, and I’ll show you a fake cry for attention.

I’m sure we’ll hit other snags in the enactment of this groundbreaking law. But first we need to win the election and get this genius proposal passed. It’s a win for everyone. So to the dime pieces, throw on your skimpiest outfits, grab a matcha latte, take a thousand photos (but only post two), and come down to the polls for a chance to create your very own bootylicious utopia. The Pacific coast is calling your name. And to the rest of you slobs, grab your paper bag with the eye holes cut out and charge your Rascal scooter with enough juice to hit Burger King on the way to the polls and Taco Bell on the return trip, and let’s take our country back. Or preferably vote by mail so we don’t even have to pretend you exist. You’re invisible to the hotties anyway, so what do you have to lose?

Thank you all, vote DannyPlops, good night, and god bless a divided America.