Info: 2000 PGA Blvd, Ste 5502, Palm Beach Gardens, FL 33408 http://www.stagepga.com

Located near the corner of US-1 and PGA, Stage (pronounced “Staahj” like a pretentious fuck, according to their website) offers upscale Indian fusion cuisine to suckers who think a $15 chicken vindaloo is below them. Our waiter introduced himself in some cross between an Australian accent and Southern drawl. I still can’t put my finger on it. Accent aside, he violated the one rule I have for servers, which is to never refer to other people as “we.” He asked how “we” were doing, if “we” would be having any drinks, and if “we” were ready to order. “You” is the second person singular and plural pronoun. Unless you want to take a seat and order with us, please use the second person. I promise it’s not offensive to use “you” when talking to another person or group of people. Calling my table “we” is at best stealing our valor and at worst misusing our pronouns, which I have come to understand is a hate crime.

A foursome of yentas were at the table to my 8 o’clock, clinking their glasses to a toast. One of them mentioned “to something burned and to old friends something else.” Here’s the deal: if you are unironically toasting to good health or good friends or anything else, kill yourself. Is some deity going to hear and grant your wishes while you get drunk and gossip about your mutual friends? Look, I go along with the cheersing because I’m a sheep who’s too scared to justify a lack of participation, but it’s dumb as shit. Maybe I’m the outlier who thinks that wishing good health upon friends and loved ones should be the default position and need not be expressed at every meal. If you actually cared, you probably wouldn’t let them eat all the garbage food they ordered anyway.

Despite not writing anything down, all of the food came out correctly and in a reasonable time, so Stage was showing promise so far. Let’s see how the food actually was.

Salads:

Brussel Caesar [Miso caesar, breadcrumbs] – $13

• The Good Shit: This was presented in one of those cute little stainless steel dishes with the two handles. The Brussels sprouts were thinly sliced, fresh, and crisp, and the miso caesar certainly packed a punch.
• The Nit Pick: This dish had a lot of promise, but left much to be desired. The first taste you get here is salt. The miso came through in the dressing, but it was salted too heavily. The breadcrumbs were so small that they immediately became soggy upon contact with the dressing. I would have preferred either a larger breadcrumb or a crouton of sorts to better retain their crunch. Lastly, the Brussels could have had more flavor. Maybe a quick char on the sprouts to add another facet.

Vegetable ‘Pachadi’ Salad [Carrots, tomato, corn, peanuts, turmeric vin] – $15

• The Good Shit: This salad had more ingredients than the description led me to believe. There were a few radish slices and a bunch of pomegranate seeds. The peanuts and pomegranate seeds gave some crunch, and the ginger came through in the dressing, which I assume is the “turmeric vin.” A lot of moving parts on this salad, but ultimately the flavors worked well together and the portion size was very generous.
• The Nit Pick: Although the “turmeric vin” likely means vinaigrette, this salad was wanting something more acidic. The Pomegranate seeds helped, but the dressing was falling a little flat besides the ginger flavor.

Entrees:

Shrimp and Grits [Tomato, turmeric, okra, coconut curry, basmati rice grits] – $31

• The Good Shit: I have to give this dish points for creativity. Turning a shrimp curry over basmati rice into a shrimp and grits dish is both clever and a great excuse to overcharge. The shrimp was perfectly seasoned and cooked, and the overcooked/broken basmati rice did resemble grits as much as rice could. The coconut flavor really came through in the curry, and overall the flavors were balanced well. The portion size was large with no shortage of shrimp. The okra was tender and a good addition.
• The Nit Pick: Like the pachadi salad, this dish was just missing some zip. While everything tasted good, it just felt a bit too safe. I wanted some extra heat, some acidity like lime juice, or anything else. Just something to make the dish more bold.

Butter Chicken Masala – $25

• The Good Shit: The butter chicken had the heat that the shrimp and grits were lacking. Not overly spicy by any means, but at least there was a kick. Portion size was great with this dish; there was enough chicken to potentially feed two people who aren’t fatasses like me. The hint of clove coming through was also a plus.
• The Nit Pick: Every once in a while, a flavor or smell takes you back to your childhood. That happened with this dish, but not because I ate chicken tikka masala as a child or anything. With almost every bite was the unmistakable taste of Campbell’s tomato soup. I’m not accusing Stage of using canned soup in their recipe, but the flavor was so distinct that it wouldn’t shock me if they did. They at least hid it with other flavors, but the conspiracy theorist in me can’t shake that notion.

Breads:

Spicy Cheese Naan – $14

• The Good Shit: This was certainly cheesy and a bit spicy. The filling was 99% mozzarella cheese with a bit of green chiles and a few strands of red onion or shallot. It was a nice little crispy snack.
• The Nit Pick: This dish was spicy; this dish was cheesy. This dish was a lot of things, but it wasn’t naan. It resembled a quesadilla more than stuffed naan. I’m not sure what type of bread they used, but it was missing the air bubbles and glutenous chew of a traditional naan. Is it that hard to make naan or at least buy actual naan? At first I thought it was some sort of pizza dough, but that would also have bubbles and chew. I still can’t wrap my head around what what bread was used in what was essentially a $14 pepper jack cheese quesadilla.

The Verdict:

Stage is somehow adventurous and safe at the same time. Adventurous in the fusion concepts they come up with, but safe in the execution and flavor profiles. Everything tasted good, but nothing had the boldness I wanted. High prices, but generous portion sizes. Stage gets 4 Plops for this visit.