The alleged murder of Gabby Petito took the nation by storm in the summer of 2021. People were still in their pandemic routines of staying at home and enjoying card games, jigsaw puzzles, and light domestic violence. True crime was having its cultural moment with a slew of movies, documentaries, podcasts, books, and TikToks. Then news trickled in about a missing young couple. Their parents had not heard from them in days. Then police found Brian Laundrie, who seemingly could not explain the whereabouts of his fiancée, Gabby. Long story short, Gabby was missing and presumed to be dead, and everyone turned to Brian as the suspected killer.

This case united all facets of the country. The true crime-obsessed women and gays finally found the perfect opportunity to put their investigative skills to the test. Hunting through Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit, they posited their theories of motive, method, location, and coverup on their TikTok pages with three followers. With the suspect being a straight white man, they were shielded from any criticism they might receive and were free to throw out the wildest speculations, such as concluding that Brian was hiding at his parents’ house underneath the soil in their flowerbed, as evidenced by a grainy video showing Mrs. Laundrie dropping something near the flowers and a mysterious hand-like appendage reaching towards it. The case also gained the attention of straight guys, who saw the news of a missing 22-year-old attractive blonde girl and sprang into action to save their beautiful angel Gabby, stranded high in the mountainous terrain, and nurse her back to health after beating up Brian. That’s the hero’s journey if I ever heard one.

These male fantasies died in late September when Gabby’s body was found, apparently 3-4 weeks dead at that point. But still no one had heard from Brian. His family had already retained a lawyer, and people speculated that he was hiding out in his parents’ home or was on the run somewhere. TikTok was back on the case. Until of course Brian’s body was found with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Closure? I think not. We still needed to know the full story, the timeline, the reasons. Right on cue, the FBI steps in with a perfectly-written confession to tie a neat little bow on the saga. Nothing more to see here; now go be mad about a Texas abortion ban.

Exhibit A in my theory is the simple fact that Brian was straight, otherwise he would not be engaged to Gabby. Do you know any straight guys who keep a journal or diary with their deepest, darkest secrets? I didn’t think so. Journaling is inherently a female and homosexual activity, offering a combination of gossip and catharsis. Hetero men usually express emotions through physical violence. But Danny, doesn’t that stereotype prove Brian killed Gabby? Hey dipshit, I never said he didn’t kill her. I said he didn’t write the confessional note. If he wrote a journal entry, that would prove he’s gay and that Gabby was just a beard to either convince himself or his family otherwise. Therein lies the paradox. We all know that gay men are innately incapable of any physical violence beyond nail scratching and limp-wristed slapping. Sass and gossip don’t count, as much as AOC and other shitlibs would argue that words are violence. So either he’s straight or he wrote the note, and those are mutually exclusive from my research. All signs point to straight, so you do the math.

More important than the sexual proclivities of the deceased is the agency responsible for finding the confession. The good old FBI, who always act within the bounds of the law and constitution. Just in the last few years, a dozen or so agents entrapped a buch of guys in a plot to kidnap the governor of Michigan, paying for hotels and transportation and urging the suspects to become more and more extreme in their actions. Or more recently, four FBI agents groomed a 16-year-old autistic Muslim kid into supporting ISIS just to arrest him at the airport weeks after his 18th birthday. Great job, FBI. Four agents over two years to nab one autistic teen who wouldn’t have taken any action on his own. Not to mention their history of wiretapping and blackmailing political leaders and activists and instigating nearly every known domestic terror plot before they swoop in to save the day in the nick of time. The FBI will stop at nothing, no bars it won’t stoop below, to justify its own existence and, more importantly, exorbitant budget. They proved useless throughout the Petito investigation only to find most important piece of evidence in perfect condition and happily broadcast their achievement to the world.

We all know that the FBI and CIA work closely with news agencies to curate the narratives we’re fed. We were all following the Petito saga on the edge of our seats, waiting for a conclusion. The problem with the true crime genre is that the years-long investigations are always wrapped up within one episode, movie, or series. About eighty percent through every documentary the narrator says, “And then 20 years later, they reopened the case on a tip and found the identity of the killer through DNA evidence.” With the TikTokification of society, valuing instant gratification over all else, we couldn’t wait 20 years. These crime-obsessed dumb bitches wanted answers NOW. We needed to close our Reddit investigations. From the DC Establishment’s perspective, the country was becoming too united on this front. If they could only give us a concrete conclusion, a neat little bow on this cute little murder mystery, we would soon go back to hating each other over COVID, abortions, and the Supreme Court. So they got together with their FBI buddies to craft a confession, officially closing the case, satisfying everyone except those of us who wanted to avenge our beloved Gabby by finding Brian and giving him what for. And it worked. It shut us all up. Sure, documentaries would be made about it, but left the daily conversations and articles.

If you think that’s beyond the scope and morality of the FBI to write and plant the confession, and if you think that a violent straight man is into journaling, then I have a wet market bat I’d like to sell you. The nation was following a true crime documentary in real life and stopped caring about insurrections for a few months. And the powers that be could no longer tolerate a united nation, so they called in a favor which was eagerly answered. I rest my case.