After the initial success of Catfish, MTV convinced Nev to lead another investigative reality show about interpersonal relationships. Only lasting one season in 2016, Suspect was without a doubt the craziest show I have seen. It even sounded weird hearing the name of the show because Suspect is used as a verb in the title, emphasizing the second syllable as if the promos were asking you a question. I guess Max got the boot on this show, and they brough iO Tillett Wright to cohost. First things first, credit to where it’s due. iO was nonbinary before it was cool, even giving his pronouns (he/him) in an early episode. But you still can’t convince me it wasn’t Megan Rapinoe.

The premise of the show was simple; a concerned citizen would reach out to Nev and iO, claiming that a close friend, loved one, or family member was hiding something, and they would “investigate the matter” to uncover the truth. I put “investigate” in quotes because the main investigatory tools used by Nev and iO are 1) texting the subject to ask if they have anything to share, 2) calling the subject to ask if they have anything to share, and 3) pulling the unwilling subject in front of the cameras, putting makeup on them, and coercing them into telling their deepest, darkest secrets by reminding them how much time and resources went into this production. They did this all across the country, forcibly outing people’s diseases, sexualities, gender identities, mental health struggles, and god knows what else, all in the name of “we’re just trying to help once we’re sure we have enough footage for a full episode to air.” To be perfectly honest, I only remember three of the stories. By my research, there were nine episodes with two narratives each, so either my memory fails me or I didn’t bother watching the full season. Thank god for the Rule of Three, otherwise I’d have to actually watch the show again to bring more examples.

The first episode that comes to mind is when a girl requests the support of Nev and iO to help a fat friend who’s been getting sick and losing weight. It’s pretty clear that this friend is a gay man (or boy, I think he was high school age). Throughout the episode, the hosts dig into potential causes like anxiety and depression, and I’m pretty sure they speculate that he is transgender and is beginning his transition into womanhood. After a lot of poking, prodding, and fat gay tears, they discover that this friend has been eating cotton balls. And not even in a fun My Strange Addiction way. He learned the cotton ball diet from a Kardashian or other celebrity and was using it to lose weight. The diet consists of eating cotton balls dipped in juice or other liquids to take up space in one’s stomach, creating the feeling of fullness. Look, I have to say that the cotton ball diet is ineffective and dangerous and can lead to serious health outcomes, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t look better after losing that weight. So give it a shot, kids. And if you see me downing cotton balls, leave me alone and don’t call MTV, you fucking snitch.

Another episode involves a black gay man asking about his black gay lover, who has become more distant. The lover is flaking on plans, showing up at the house less frequently, and is not sharing the goings-on of his days. First of all, that sounds like a dream come true. If I ever have the misfortune of being in a serious relationship, I would thank the good lord above if my lover was rarely around and never drove me up a wall talking about the mundane happenings over the course of their shitty day. But I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’m a straight man who can survive months to years at a time without gossip, whereas the average gay man can last between fifteen minutes to one hour. After all the “investigation” and pressuring, the lover is then forced to out himself as a trans woman. This man called MTV to fix his relationship and ended up outing his boyfriend as a woman. If my math is correct, I believe it also had the compound effect of outing himself as straight. The lover was taking estrogen pills and beginning to live her life as a woman, which is pretty much a woke check mate. Is your gay boyfriend, proud member of the LGBT community, going to be pissed that you’re trans? It’s the perfect crime, and we’re here for it kween. And before you ask how the boyfriend didn’t know his lover was transitioning, remind yourself how blurry the line is between twink in a neon crop top and queer woman.

The only other episode that comes to mind is a bunch of frat bros ask Nev and iO to talk to their friend, who is also becoming more distant. He’s not going out to parties as much and hasn’t been hanging with the boys as often as they would like. What helped tipped them off that something was amiss was that he wasn’t smashing tang anymore. I’m not joking. The frat bros make it super clear in the episode how much snizz their friend crushes, and they’re concerned because he’s not collecting babes like he used to. Could he be in a serious relationship? What is he hiding? Why are we inexplicably concerned with his sex life? Not surprisingly, the distant college alpha is actually gay, and only had the courage to come out after what I assume was a high-pressure sales tactic from MTV. And less surprisingly, his frat buddies accept him and they’re all boys again. They can all rejoice now that the king of poonslaying is officially out of their way.

The lesson I’ve learned watching Catfish and Suspect is that Nev and an MTV film crew are around, run the other way. Even if you’re straight, cis, and in a real relationship, you will be outed as a gay trans catfish. Somehow they get even the most reluctant people to come on camera and spill their secrets. If someone you know if going through something, just leave them alone. The worst they could do is kill a bunch of people.

I actually did call Nev and MTV when my boss was being weird and distant back in 2016. He kept flying on a private jet to a small island off of St. Thomas and would always come back on Monday morning with a pep in his step. I didn’t think my family would be threatened just for calling, but I never heard from my boss again after contacting MTV, so I guess he got the help he needed and the issue sorted itself out.