The death of comedy will arrive in late 2024. Early November to be precise. I know, fragile white boys like me have been clamoring for years that comedy is dying. A common refrain from the uninformed or the unfunny is “you can’t say anything anymore” or “cancel culture is out of control.” Neither of those is correct. For the past five years, comedy has been as strong as it ever was when you look at the success of comedy podcasts, internet sketch comedy, live stand-up, and released specials. I will grant you that comedy movies and shows have gone downhill, not to mention the corporate shills larping as late night hosts. But finding genuinely funny material at zero cost is easier than ever. Comedians have been going independent with their podcasts and specials and are becoming household names.

My message to comedians is to get your money while you can, because in less than a year you will become useless to me and the vast majority of Americans. I come to you like Leonard in The Cabin at the End of the World, to warn you of the coming comedypocalypse. However, unlike Leonard, I cannot offer you a way to stop it (we all know you would sacrifice Matt Rife). You have received the first two jabs in the past week. Hey Danny, after two jabs don’t you get myocarditis and die? Look dipshit, if you want to talk about the safe and effective^TM vaccine, we can do that later. God forbid I use a boxing analogy to connect to Jake Paul’s retard fans who would read this if they knew how. The two jabs are 1) the funniest thing anyone has ever done and 2) the funniest thing anyone has ever said. The finishing uppercut, the funniest thing to ever happen, will occur in under 11 months.

The first left jab, the funniest thing anyone has ever done, comes to us from Washington, D.C., where Aiden Maese-Czeropski, a staffer for Senator Ben Cardin (D) of Maryland allegedly (but actually) filmed himself having gay sex in a congressional hearing room. Apparently this gentleman had a history of posting sexually explicit images and videos to his personal social media accounts and to a group chat for gay congressional staffers. The alleged (but actual) act occurred in room 216 of the Hart Senate Office Building. Many media outlets have reported that Hart 216 has previously hosted the 9/11 commission hearings, FBI Director James Comey’s 2017 testimony on Trump, and the confirmation hearings for Justices Sonia Sotomayor and noted beer lover Brett “I Wasn’t Even There” Kavanaugh.

So a few big moments in modern American history have occurred in this room, and this 24-year-old twink decides to film himself getting assfucked over Amy Klobuchar’s desk by a German guy. I don’t care if you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, conservative, progressive, or libertarian. That is the funniest thing anyone has ever done by a margin wider than Aiden’s gaping asshole. Please tell me what comes close to that. Sure, Biden falling off a bike and tripping over a sandbag is funny. We’ve seen terrible first pitches from Fauci to 50 Cent. Mark Sanchez’s butt fumble was pretty good. There are countless examples of people intentionally or unintentionally doing funny things. But nothing will come close to a gay senatorial staffer getting pounded in the 9/11 commission hearing room. It will, fittingly, never be topped. I will die on this hill.

The second left jab came recently in the form of the funniest thing ever said. Mayor Eric Adams of NYC was recently on PIX 11, a TV station out of New York, giving an interview on PIX on Politics (either a show or segment. I don’t know, and I don’t care.) Before delving into the statement in question, I will give the question and answer in full so that you idiots don’t think I’m taking it out of context. I’ll even post a link here to prove it. Here is the interaction:

Host: When you you look at the totality of the year, if you had to describe it, and it’s tough to do, in one word, what would that word be, and tell me why.

Adams: Uh, New York. Um, this is a place where every day you wake up, uh, you could experience everything from a plane crashing into our Trade Center to a person who’s celebrating a new business that’s opened. This is a very, very complicated city, and that’s why it’s the greatest city on the globe.

There you have it, the funniest thing that has ever been said. First of all, when asked for one word, Adams responds with “New York,” a city with two words in its name. This is reminiscent of Bidens “three letters, J-O-B-S” bit or his more recent “two words, Made in America.” The word count flub is a good goof that sets us off on the wrong foot. From there, he immediately claims that on any given day, you can wake up to 9/11 happening or a business opening. And the complexity of those highs and lows are what make New York the greatest city on Earth. It’s unreal to think, let alone say on a publicly-broadcast interview, that the chance of a 9/11-style event makes a city great. And to top it off, he thinks, or at least says, that businesses are opening in New York. With the state and city taxes and regulations, I’m not buying the fact that many new businesses are opening in the city.

Similar to my reaction to Aiden’s escapades, I don’t care if you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, conservative, progressive, or libertarian. From New York or LA, North or South, East or West, rich or poor, black or white, cis or trans, Adams response to a softball question is by far the funniest thing anyone has ever said or will ever say. I’ve seen plenty of funny movies, live stand-up and recorded specials, podcasts and interviews, and have also had a few real-life conversations. Nothing comes close, and that is a second hill I on which I’m willing to die.

The first two left jabs have landed square on comedy’s jaw. Slowly, the political world is winding up the right uppercut, the funniest thing to every happen. A close runner-up is the George Santos saga, which truly epitomized the relationship between candidate and donor/voter. They say exactly what we want to hear, and we give them money and votes. Santos, the descendant of Holocaust survivors, former standout volleyball star at Baruch College, Goldman Sachs trader, drag queen, and gay man in a straight marriage, spent his campaign finances on OnlyFans, luxury items, and cosmetic procedures like a true American hero. While his rise and fall is the funniest thing to happen in 2023, the final blow to comedy and all humor will come in late 2024 when Donald Trump wins the presidential election from jail.

Jack Smith and other prosecutors have openly stated that they hope to have convictions by the election, and it’s no secret why. In the past month, polls have routinely shown Trump beating Biden in swing states vital to Biden’s chances and among the youngest demographic of voters, 18-29, which is typically a gimme for the Democrats. As Biden’s popularity plummets, the establishment is grasping at straws to get Trump off the ballot or otherwise disqualify him from the presidency using novel interpretations of century-old statutes. Just last night, the Supreme Court of Colorado reversed a lower court opinion and effectively removed him from the primary ballot. Supporters called this a “win for democracy.” Yes, a win for democracy by restricting voter choice. Gotta love it. Even funnier, Colorado removed him from the primary ballot on account of his insurrectious and seditious activities, even though Jack Smith has declined to even charge him for violating the insurrection statute.

And there is so much time left to build political tension. We are funding two fun new foreign wars currently and are about to go to war with Yemen, and god only knows about Taiwan and Iran. There are so many more juicy details we will hear about the Trump criminal trials, so many more Americans upset with the state of the country. I have no idea what the end of 2024 will look like. The only thing I know for sure is that Trump will be convicted in at least one of these cases before the election, and they will make a show of sending him to jail to await sentencing. Comedy will officially die when Trump wins the 2024 election from jail. Don’t get it twisted; I’m no Trump supporter. I have never voted for him and will not be voting for him in the future. But if you cannot admit to yourself that Trump giving an unhinged victory speech from his jail cell and warping the fabric of reality for shitlibs across the nation won’t be the funniest thing to ever happen in human history, you are either lying to yourself or you are one of those shitlibs.

Am I being hyperbolic when I say comedy will die? Maybe. Comedy will still trudge along, but it just won’t be funny. I’m reminded of the South Park episode where Cartman sees the kids with butts for faces. Suddenly unable to laugh, he knows that what he saw was the funniest thing he ever would see, so he can no longer find amusement in anything he once found humorous. The world will encounter a similar fate on election day. We will still listen to podcasts, stand-up, shitty crowd work bits, watch movies and TV, but we won’t crack a smile. We won’t laugh. Where could comedy possibly go from there? I’m sorry to drive my point into the ground, but you can’t write a zanier script or craft a funnier bit than a jailhouse victory speech with Rachel Maddow watching teary-eyed through her fingers.

Will the 2024 election of Donald Trump bring about the end of democracy? Probably not. But it will inevitably bring about the end of comedy and all things funny. It brings me no joy to be making this prediction. Quite the opposite in fact. As a fan of comedy podcasts and stand-up, I will mourn this loss. All I intend to do is prepare you for the inevitable. So laugh it up for the time being if that’s what you want, and even if you hate Trump with all your soul, at least appreciate that you will soon live through the funniest moment ever. The Singularity. A single moment in time whose humor transcends that of past and future combined. A moment so dense with absurdity and hilarity that no other attempts at comedy will be able to escape its gravitational pull. All we can do now is silence our phones and enjoy the show.