Like many Americans, I enjoy roller coasters, especially ones that accommodate us riders of size. The good ones have all the twists and turns of a true crime murder mystery documentary that Netflix drags on for eight episodes when only one or two will suffice. They have all the ups and downs of an extramarital affair with a slutty coworker. The point is they are fun, but what drives me up a wall is when people are inconsiderate and audacious enough to show it.

Last year, I was on some bullshit ride at Disney World. Doesn’t matter which one, but it was a ride that was as close to a legitimate roller coaster as anything else in the park. On our way up, a balding man in his thirties or forties loudly provided his own instructions for the ride: “EVERYONE GET YOUR HANDS UP,” as if he was Butch Cassidy robbing a bank. Good thing my arms are short and stubby, because I earnestly tried to smack his hands out of the air.

Why did this bother me so much? First of all, no one tells Danny what to do except for Dr. Fauci. Second, is this goober so altruistic that he not only has a vested interest in my enjoyment of the ride, but his version of enjoyment is so superior to mine that he cannot in good faith let me ride in my own way? His behavior and lack of awareness was reminiscent of a bad heckler or just a general talker at a comedy show. “No no, you don’t get it,” they always say, “I’m helping.”

Hands in the air do nothing for ride enjoyment. Do you shoot your hands straight up in the air when watching a movie or getting your back blown out? Would that make it more fun? Didn’t think so. But ultimately I can find it in my heart to forgive skyward hands (I will never forgive the Disney man who implored us to do it), but I cannot forgive those who scream. Every roller coaster I’ve been on, there have been multiple men and women (with the behavioral maturity of children) who shriek at the top of their lungs at every drop, dip, twist, and loop. Because I cannot relate to human emotions I am not currently feeling, I looked for the answer on the web as to why people scream on rides.

The most common responses are “because it makes the ride more fun” and “because it’s scary.” Like the raised hands, what does screaming make more enjoyable? Your mind will turn to the obvious example. Look, if you’re screaming during intercourse, you are either filming it, faking it for his self esteem, trying to piss off the neighbors, or definitely don’t want to be there. Do you shriek while walking your dog to make it more fun? At a friendsgiving party? In a yoga class?

As mentioned, the other explanation is that roller coasters are scary. This makes no sense. The shrieks I hear seem to indicate imminent danger. If you are so deathly afraid of roller coasters that you choose to make those noises, you wouldn’t voluntarily get on them in the first place. So either 60% of riders are dragged on against their will or they are all annoying piece of shit liars who try to convince themselves that going 80mph while strapped and locked to a five-ton car somehow means the end is nigh.

I went skydiving several years ago. The only other diver on my flight was a young woman in a tandem suit. Like me, this was clearly her first dive. When the time came to jump, the sliding door was opened, and we scooted awkwardly toward the opening. Picture a guy buttfucking another guy then having to slide together to get a phone on the other side of the bed without having to pull out and risk losing the only hard-on Jeff will get that day. Anyway, we do that for about ten feet. The other woman goes first. She braces both her arms against the sides of the door to resist exiting the plane, elbows locked and knuckles white. That is genuine fear, and it could warrant a scream. Instead, the instructor just pulled her arms down and rolled with her out of the plane. I saw her again when I landed. We all pitched in to help pick her up with shovels and a shop vac.

The point is some things are rightfully fear-inducing. And roller coasters are not one of those things. Sure, people occasionally get decapitated, but that’s all part of the fun. If you’re too scared, stay off. But if you are brave enough to ride, at least be courteous enough to keep your mouth shut so that the rest of our ear drums can remain intact. And while your at it, put your hands down so the rest of us can see. Maybe it makes it more enjoyable for you, but it makes it less enjoyable for me. As the main character in my own life story, my wants and needs must take priotity over yours. And I need for you to sit down, shut up, and enjoy the ride.