This past weekend, I attended Vegandale Miami, a vegan food festival at Virginia Key Beach Park. I bought a VIP ticket, which didn’t really provide any perks besides one drink ticket and “stage access” to a DJ Khaled performance. That “stage access” was merely a fenced off part of the lawn closer to the stage. I didn’t end up going into the VIP area or staying for the DJ Khaled performance, as I have to preserve the few brain cells I have left. The VIP ticket also promised a dedicated entry so that we could get in quicker than the poors. But because we got fancy wristbands and drink tickets, the VIP line was backed up 20 people while the broke bitch line was empty. Vegan egg replacer on my face I guess.

Eventually I was able to enter.There was an interesting mix of people. Silicone was everywhere and deodorant was nowhere. There were chakras, bare feet, and “Eat Pussy Not Animals” t-shirts. It was not too crowded when I got there, but the lines started to get long around dinner time.

I checked my fragile masculinity for a few hours, stuffed my face, and tried to forget about being robbed for $31.25 just to park. I’ll try to keep things moving here, so let’s get into it.

Manka:

Chipotle Chorizo Empanada [Plant-based chorizo with onions and bell peppers – chipotle sauce] – $8

• The Good Shit: The dough was light and crisp, and you could tell these were baked at high heat. It was served with chimichurri and a chipotle mayo type thing, which added much-needed flavor to the empanada.
• The Nit Pick: The “chorizo” was just marinated soft tofu. That took me by surprise, as I was expecting some sort of textured vegetable protein knockoff chorizo. The tofu wasn’t bad, but another protein type could have help incorporate a more accurate chorizo flavor and texture. The tofu marinade was also lacking in flavor a bit. This might be a common theme in this review, but $8 for one empanada is a bit greedy.

The Manka empanada gets 3 Plops.

Steve’s Sausage Shack:

Chicago Style Hot Dog [Mustard, onion, tomatoes, relish, pickle spear, sport pepper, and celery salt] – $12

• The Good Shit: The hot dog was a textured vegetable protein mix that had plenty of flavor and char. There was no “casing,” but I wasn’t asking for one. The relish, mustard, and raw onion provided some sweetness and zing, and the peppers gave it a little kick.
• The Nit Pick: I was missing the pickle spear for some reason, and the tomatoes were a bit soft. I also would have appreciated a poppy seed hot dog bun, which I can only imagine would make it more authentic. There wasn’t anything too offensive here and the price point was somewhat reasonable, but it didn’t blow me out of the water.

Steve’s Sausage Shack gets 3 Plops.

Dumpling Haus:

Pan Fried Dumplings [Variety of vegetables, vermicelli, and wood ear mushrooms] – $10

• The Good Shit: These dumplings were freshly pan fried right in front of me and were served piping hot with a soy sauce-based dipping sauce. The wrapper was chewy and crispy, and the sauce had a nice smokiness to it.
• The Nit Pick: I wasn’t getting much vegetable variety, vermicelli, or wood ear mushrooms. The filling was probably 95% sauteed red cabbage and maybe a little bit of shredded carrot. While they didn’t taste bad, I would have enjoyed some tofu or other protein and/or more noodles and/or more mushrooms and/or more vegetable variety. While they tasted good, the flavor became monotonous after just one dumpling. My fat ass still finished them, but they just started to get boring to eat.

Dumpling Haus also gets 3 Plops.

Mama Pearl’s Kitchen:

Oxtail with Mac and Cheese and Cabbage – $15

• The Good Shit: I’m usually not a fan of larger, more expensive portions being served at food festivals, but this dish was worth every penny. I was eying up this booth, and the owners roped me in. They told me the oxtail is made from textured vegetable protein with black beans (and I think one other bean) mixed in. This was hands down the best dish I had. The oxtail was cooked in a sweet and smoky brown sauce, the mac and cheese actually tasted like cheese instead of nutritional yeast, and the cabbage was slow cooked to bring out its natural sweetness. My other choice of sides were rice and beans or yams, but I think I chose correctly.
• The Nit Pick: Not much to nit pick here. If the protein in the oxtails was lacking flavor, it was more than made up for my the sauce. I guess one nit pick here could be that the mac and cheese was not as creamy as a dairy-based mac and cheese. It was still delicious, but didn’t have that gooeyness of soul food mac and cheese.

Mama Pearl earned her 5 Plops and a place in my heart.

After all that, there is still one more dish to go. I tool a break for a bit to digest and get off my feet. The last dish took a while to get, what with the long line to order and the backed up “kitchen.” The last vendor of the day was called Vegan Junk Food DMV. I came to learn that DMV is a colloquial term for the DC area, but the speed of the line and service almost had me convinced that I was at a real DMV. Eventually I got my food after about 30-45 minutes of waiting and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Vegan Junk Food DMV:

Philly Cheez’steak [Impossible meat crumbles, kale, vegan cheez, diced mushrooms, and array of diced peppers and diced onions]- $12

• The Good Shit: My biggest fear was that this would be a dud after all that waiting (especially after I heard someone say their food had no flavor). But I can happily report that the cheesesteak was delicious. I’m not sure why kale would belong on a cheesesteak, but it was as tender and flavorful as kale can be. The caramelization on the diced onions was the most notable flavor in this dish and helped elevate it from good to great. The meat and cheese were plenty good also along with the peppers and mushrooms.
• The Nit Pick: The cheese was very good, but it was just added to the top. I would have liked more cheese at the bottom or incorporated throughout the filling. While the impossible meat was fine, it was sometimes hard to find in all that kale. A little less kale would have been nice to help bring out the other flavors.

Vegan Junk Food gets 4 Plops.

So there you have it, Vegandale Miami 2023. I enjoyes my time and the food I ate. It was a lot of money to spend on Shabbos, but it was worth it except for the parking.