Leave the World Behind, a 2020 novel by Rumaan Alam, was recently made into a Netflix film. Being interested in the concept of the movie (admittedly I only knew of the synopsis and still have not seen a trailer), I checked the book out from my library. Do not make the same mistake.

The concept of the book is simple: A white family is renting a house in Long Island for a vacation. Amid outages in electricity, cell service, and cable service, an older black couple knocks on the door, purporting to be the owners of the house. Can they be trusted? What’s causing these outages? Are they in danger?

To avoid burying the lede on this review, I will spoil the book for you. Nothing happens. I’m not joking. After the outages, there are some loud noises, animal migrations, and a few people yakking. In terms of whether the Washingtons, the older black couple, can be trusted, everything is cleared up in a page or two. We know almost immediately that the Washingtons do in fact own the house and can in fact be trusted. Then there are the goings-on outside the house. The book builds on this manufactured tension that the reader will come to learn what is happening to the world. The best explanation we get is “planes.” Maybe I missed a line or two, but I don’t think it’s exactly clear what is meant by this. Some lines indicate they are plane crashes or explosions, and others indicate that they are sonic booms emanating from fighter jets in some kind of invasion or defense.

Amanda and Archie, the mother and son, both get sick and puke some watery pink liquid. Also five of Archie’s teeth fall out. Was this the effect of an airborne pathogen? Was it a chemical weapon? We’ll never know because Alam doesn’t feel like telling us. There is also a small shed in the woods found by Archie and Rose. On brand with other aspects of the book, this does not come into play later save for some people seeing the shed when looking for Rose.

I started to get suspicious about two thirds through when still nothing happened. I wondered if any questions would be answered or any tension or conflict would arise. The answer is no. Archie gets sick, and the men look for a hospital and medical supplies. At the same time, Rose wanders off, and the women look for her. That’s about it. Through this ordeal, the adults make small talk and learn basic information about one another. Also Clay does not help a Spanish-speaking woman in distress by the roadside. Does this come back to haunt him or wrack him with guilt? Nope, he feels a bit bad about it later when confessing this to his family, but he’s pretty unaffected by it. He’s more concerned with how it makes him look than the actual wellbeing of the woman he declined to help.

The inner flap of the book jacket claims the book explores topics of race and class. It fails to do this except for a few throwaway lines. In Leave the World Behind, the rich homeowners are black, and the middle class renters are white. Add one line about George instinctively putting his hands up because that’s what black men are trained to do in America, one line about not feeling safe around his white neighbors in Long Island, and one line about the humor in a black man named George Washington, and you have just about all mentions of race in the book except for a referenced Hispanic housekeeper. There are no major references or discussions regarding class except for the owner-renter relationship and Clay teaching at City College instead of Ruth Washington’s assumption of Columbia. And I think the Washingtons’ daughter is married to a woman and has two adopted sons, but that is also a throwaway line without much exploration. There you have the “big topics” of the book. Easily digestible, no conflict, disagreements, or deep dives into societal issues surrounding race and class from different perspectives. We just know that two characters are rich and black and four are middle class and white. Sure, I guess that means that all main characters are privileged in some ways and disadvantaged in others, but this is not explored further.

The only thing I could surmise about Alam is that he is a Grade A perv. There were more references to genetalia and bodily fluids in this book than race and class, and it wasn’t close. Alam referenced the pubescent body of Rose, the 13 year old daughter, and detailed the porn habits and gave a play-by-play of Archie, the 16 year old son, jacking off. There were multiple sex scenes between Clay and Amanda, with the more graphic one letting us know that Clay’s cum would have filled a shot glass. After finishing in Amanda’s navel, he dipped his finger in his own cum and started doodling on her stomach. Outside of the sex scenes, there were references to Amanda feeling her nipples in the shower and feeling the bedsheets on her vulva. Another paragraph described one of Clay’s erections. Sprinkled throughout the book was the recurring statement that vacations made you horny. Apologies for the details, but this is all to say that there were many more references to boners and jizz than race and class. This book was erotic literature disguised as a social commentary disguised as an apocalypse novel.

After nothing happens all book, Alam tries to make some broader point with the ending that falls flat. When Rose went missing, she actually broke into a neighbors house to get food and supplies. She eventually returns with the goods. Clay, George, and Archie return as well. Then they stay in the house and decide to take it one day at a time, not knowing what tomorrow or the more distant future will hold or how the end will come about. The book ends with “-well, wasn’t that true of every day?” Alam seems to be trying to say that we don’t know how or when the end will come, so we should appreciate what we have. I guess that’s fair, but you can arrive at this point while still writing a compelling story where there are real conflicts and real stakes. The characters and the readers have no idea what threats, if any, are out there, so they are fighting against what Donald Rumsfeld would call an “unknown unknown.” And after the lack of action and answers, we’re left with a vague sense of danger and reassured with but that’s like every other day, amiright?

If you want an actual good book with actual characters and actual conflict and actual suspense and actual stakes with actual moral implications, read The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay. The premise is similar, where strangers arrive at a vacation rental in the country amid an apocalyptic backdrop. But the characters in Cabin have more distinct personalities, real arguments, the characters fluctuate between trust and distrust, the global threat is more concrete, the characters are in more danger, and the book challenges your moral framework. The movie version, Knock at the Cabin, is not as good as the book, and I wasn’t a huge fan of the creative liberties taken by Shyamalan, but it was entertaining enough. While writing a captivating narrative, Tremblay also weaves in issues of race, religion, sexuality and masculinity in a much more effective and meaningful way then Alam does. If you find yourself these books at the start of the apocalypse, read Cabin and leave Leave the World Behind behind.

So there you have it. The first every DannyPlops book review with a bones first ever book recommendation.