In the age of the internet, social media, misinformation, disinformation, malinformation, and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory information, who can be trusted to provide honest and expert analysis of national and global events and draw correct conclusions and opinions based on all available, or at least all convenient, information? The answer is simple: me.

And this is in no way to brag. In fact, it is quite the opposite. While I am beginning to resent the burden bestowed upon me to be the educator-in-chief of all workplace discussions, dinner parties, online forums, and YouTube comment sections, I recognize that without my insights, my family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers would be floating through the cosmos without a firm foundation upon which to stand on the issues that matter.

The early years after my political awakening were quiet. Many of the top stories had little to no complexity needing to be explained to those with inferior intellect. For example, Putin interfered in our election by installing Donald Trump, a known Russian agent, as president. But how exactly did Putin interfere? Were the voting machines hacked? Was there an influx of foreign money to the Trump campaign? Was there a massive attack ad campaign on Hillary? you may ask. Aww honey, don’t you know that asking for specific examples of interference is just a Kremlin talking point? Are you parroting Putin propaganda?

A few years later, we had the arrest and subsequent suicide of Jeffrey Epstein. Again, no nuance or sordid details here. Epstein was a disgraced financier who sex trafficked a few underage girls. Then he felt bad about it while awaiting trail and hung himself with a bed sheet. But Danny, if he was sex trafficking underage girls, who was on the other side of those transactions? Was this part of a blackmail/intelligence operation? Could his global elite friends have been involved in some way? you may also ask. I think someone forgot to wear their tin foil hat. Looks like someone is a Pizzagater.

Alas, those were simpler years. The real journey begins in 2020 when the American people wake up and find themselves without a true thought leader, one to guide them through these troubling times and show them the path to the Right Side of History. Early in the year, I was a virologist. I hopped on Zoom calls with friends to present the processes by which viruses transfer from animals to humans. I explained how the molecular structure of spike proteins could make a virus deadlier or more contagious. I swatted away racist lab leak conspiracy theories coming from the right wing. It was hard work needing to constantly remind people to stay indoors and wear masks at all times, but it was rewarding work knowing that I had saved millions of lives.

Once I had properly educated people on COVID-19, another opportunity presented itself in the late spring. I became a racial justice and police accountability and reform advocate. I quickly became an expert on use of force, Graham factors, systemic racism, and police brutality. My friends and family were very appreciative of all the research I put into forming their opinions on the matter of George Floyd and the justice system as a whole.

Late in the year, I once again faced the task of election security expert. If you didn’t know, the US presidential election has the most robust security and integrity measures of any election in the world. There is absolutely no way the results can be swayed by a domestic or foreign entity, and all election results are final, legitimate, and not up for debate. Any questioning of election results is a telltale sign of a conspiracy nutjob who should be stripped of their right to vote and their job. Except of course for 2000 and 2016, which were clearly rigged and illegitimate.

At the turn of 2021, I turned back to Science™. Specifically, I learned and taught all there was to know about vaccines and mRNA technology. I touted the benefits of this miracle of Science™, including the 0% chance of getting infected or spreading the virus. I had to slowly walk people through the reasoning behind mandates and vaccine passports for our safety. It makes perfect sense to us experts. I’m fully vaccinated, so I cannot catch or spread COVID, but if your anti-Science™ unvaccinated ass walks in here without a mask, you just murdered my grandma. My vaccine-hesitant friends really tested my patience. See, some conspiracy theorists will point out that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, prior to their election, stated they do not trust “Trump’s vaccine.” I have to tell them “Look dummy, just because I retweeted it at the time doesn’t mean they actually said that. And besides, the good guys are in charge now, so it’s safe.” You really have to dumb it down for these Nazis.

Once I convinced them of the safety and efficacy of vaccines, I had to dip back into politics on the most solemn day in American history. Worse than Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined. It was January 6th, the day our government was nearly overthrown but for the brave women of the Capitol Police. I became an expert in sedition, insurrection, and impeachment. I reminded my friends of the violence and murder we saw that day. With new footage and charges coming out by the hour, I was heavily relied upon to be the digester of information and deliverer of the group opinion. That opinion of course being a resounding “Orange Man Bad.”

After a winter and spring of the adults finally being in the room, I was able to put my true crime obsession to the test in August when Gabby Petito went missing. I read every police report, news article, and even conducted my own online investigations. I soon became an expert on missing persons cases and criminal investigations. My friends were incredibly grateful for my assistance, since they were all busy with work and life. But there was helpful Danny, with the latest tips and theories into her whereabouts.

I really turned up the heat in February of 2022 with Russia’s brutal and unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, a sovereign nation. This became my passion for the next 18 months. I would constantly have to enlighten folks about the role of NATO, geopolitical consequences, pipelines, sanctions, Putin being a madman, ground warfare, aid packages, missile systems, weapons systems, artillery, offenses, counteroffensives, dams, strategic positioning, and unwavering support, as much as it takes for as long as it takes. I had the expertise needed to be President, Secretary of State, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. This knowledge was pivotal for those around me to properly form their opinions on Ukraine. Some would ask me, Hey Danny, why does your analysis into this conflict start in February of 2022 and not account for anything prior, like US promises to Russia against eastward NATO expansion or the breaking of the Minsk agreements? The answer is that Putin is evil and the 2022 invasion was unprovoked. I need to repeat this countless times for the birdbrains to finally get with the program.

In September of 2022, when my friends and family were all on the Right Side of History with respect to Ukraine, true crime came back into my life with the Dahmer series. I once again had to excitedly relay all details of the crimes, investigations, and trial of Jeff Dahmer. They all told me that they were happy to watch by themselves for their own enjoyment, but how would they know the full story without my help? The series only covers so much, and I believe my further analysis was vital to conclude that Dahmer was a real asshole.

Only a few months later, I had to get into fintech in order to lead discussions with my coworkers and family on blockchain, cryptocurrencies, tokens, and pyramid schemes to educate them on FTX and its downfall. I could detail SBF’s family life, polycule, political donations, and complicated corporate web between the three companies he operated. Thank god for Danny, my friends would say, as SBF’s and FTX’s shady business practices required a keen eye and large brain to decipher.

June took us on an unexpected trip to the Titanic, where we once again entered the realm of science, but not until after SCOTUS gutted women’s rights. At this rate, being a woman will be illegal in 2024. But I digress. This time, we dive into subaquatic science. Most of my friends saw the Oceangate saga as a tragedy, but I saw it as yet another time-consuming and energy-consuming venture into educating the masses. I had to lecture on hydrostatic pressure, carbon fiber shells and FAA regulations, implosions and their speed and force, and of course class dynamics. People needed to know about aquatic search and rescue missions, how much oxygen was on board, and how much time they have left.

After quickly becoming a UFO expert in mid-2023, I was back to science. Now it’s climate science. After a devastating wildfire in Maui, I took it upon myself to educate my friends and family on climate change, water diversion, invasive plants, and emergency alert systems. I had to explain to my idiot friends that $113B for Ukraine was the deal of a lifetime and how $700 was plenty of money to get your life back together after losing your home to a wildfire. Besides, even if they needed more, the government’s hands are tied. They can’t just give money away. The forgivable PPP loans and stimulus checks in 2020 were different, just trust me.

And finally, I am currently an expert on the Israel-Palestine conflict and am up to speed an all Arab-Israeli relations going back to the 1940s. Some antisemites with whom I reluctantly interact are calling for a ceasefire and peace talks. Honey, no. That type of puerile thinking is what separates you and me. I am once again an expert on counterattacks, urban warfare, ground invasions, hostages, terrorist organizations, and international relations. I see people searching for nuance and caveats, like discussing civilian casualties. In other words, they are committing the unforgivable sin of bothsidesism.

Most people just didn’t get it. All newsworthy events have sides, and you have to pick the right one. People think it’s enough to know the basics, just enough to claim they know what’s going on in this country. And I have given myself the thankless and tiresome task of being the appointed and anointed learner, educator, and informer. I bear the unshakable burden of expertise, guiding others through time along the Right Side of History. Does it make a difference that all of my conclusions and opinions match those of CNN and MSNBC? No. That just proves how right I am and how important my efforts are. Maybe one day I will shed this burden when the populace is better educated, but until then I will march on as Mr. Rightside, the unsung hero of my generation.