As the saying goes, relationships were meant to be tested. Successful relationships withstand the highs and the lows, the date nights and the drunk fights. The weddings, parties, and vacations. The body-shaming, slut-shaming, and micropenis-shaming. These are all components of a happy and healthy long-term relationship. And to ensure your relationship is built to last, you must periodically test it.

Relationship tests exist on a spectrum. The earlier and more innocent tests include the “I know we agreed to split the meal, but I forgot my wallet” first date test or the “my ex-boyfiend is over there, go kick his ass” second date test. As the relationship progresses into more serious territory, so do the tests. At the 4-year mark, you must cheat on your partner and confess to it three months later. See if he has the backbone to give you a few shiners, upper arm bruises, or at least mush your face into the wall. There should be a minimum two holes in the drywall and three shoes thrown in your direction. Anything less is an indication that he doesn’t truly love you. Another classic long-term test for women in straight relationships to file a police report with fake DV allegations. Any man who properly respects you and himself will defend his honor by eating the 9mm he’s kept in a shoebox on his closet shelf since the week you moved in.

Here at DannyPlops, I will propose the ultimate relationship test, one that is applicable to all ages, all genders and sexualities (including those yet to be discovered) and all stages of the relationship. It is called the Pickle Test™ and is used to gauge not only your partner’s palate, but also their respect for you and any house guests. The Pickle Test™ is quite simple. Call or text your partner with the following message. “Hey [insert name, pet name, or derogatory slur], we need pickles for [insert fake occasion]. Can you pick up a jar of dill spears?”

If you are dealing with a guy, the occasion does not matter. He won’t remember in an hour anyway. He’ll just think it’s one of your dumb girl things and question if you even bring him happiness. Anoter note on the message is that you must specify dill spears. Not just to determine reading comprehension but because the test results are based on dill spears. Once the message has been received, wait until he or she returns with the jar, and you are now ready to view the results of the Pickle Test™:

Claussen – Your partner is a keeper

Of the major brands, there is no doubt that Claussen is far and away the best. However, other pickles are acceptable here, like Boar’s Head or Dietz and Watson. If your unsophisticated smooth brain doesn’t seen the pattern emerging, these are all found in the refrigerated section. These brands have the classic dill and garlic flavor rouded out by the peppercorns and mustard seeds, and the cold storage keeps the crunch intact. The brine should be almost clear, as the salt and vinegar will not add color. If the pickle juice is too green or yellow, that is an indication of added colors, which companies add to inferior products to give the illusion of flavor. So, if your partner comes back with Claussen or the other mentioned brands, congratulations, they have passed the Pickle Test™. Maybe they cheat on you, gaslight you, steal from you and your family, publicly humiliate you, or share your most confidential admissions to their friends, but at least they can choose a pickle.

Vlasic – Break up with your partner

No matter how much a stork in a gay hat tries to convince you otherwise, Vlasic pickles are straight ass. They should not be seen in any pantry or refrigerator in the developed world. These shelf-stable pickles use tumeric to add color to trick the mind into thinking they have flavor. It breaks my heart when I order a sandwich and it comes out with a blinding neon green monstrosity that looks like it was peeled directly from Homer Simpson’s hazmat suit. There is no discernable dill flavor, no perrery zest, just salt, vinegar, and coloring. If you open the grocery bag and see a jar of Vlasic pickles, it is time to end the relationship. Not rethink the relationship, not think of ending it, just end it. There is no amount of roses, no number of morning blowies, and no trips to Europe that can make up for Vlasic.

Mt. Olive – Kill your partner

Everything said about Vlasic, double that for Mt. Olive. If your partner returns with Mt. Olive, you cannot waste time ending the relationship, what with the arguing that might ensue and the packing of their belongings. And if you end the relationship, there is a very real chance that your ex-partner may one day bestow a Mt. Olive Kosher Dill Spears jar upon another unsuspecting victim. For this reason, you must kill your partner for the sake of humanity and to protect innocent civilians in the future. Maybe let them eat the pickles since they are such a Mt. Olive fan, and they have a bad allergic reaction to the fresh, not-tampered-with spears. Maybe they’re clumsy and accidentally fall down the stairs or off the baclony. Maybe the fresh bottle of their prescription sedatives falls, pulverizing the 30 tablets into a fine powder and then dissolving into a milkshake. Crazier things have happened in this world. Fight the urge to hurl the jar at their head, as this may blow your cover. Give a quick “thanks, babe” and get to plotting.

So there you have it, the Pickle Test™. I encourage all to try, and please share your results.