I have always hated sports debates. Media talking heads and casual fans spend endless hours debating LeBron vs. Michael or Brady vs. Manning. Every league, team, and era need a Mt. Rushmore. As if the blurred line between 4th and 5th best is some magical or sacred barrier that cannot be crossed unless the all-knowing critic decides one of the players has become problematic. These debates take us nowhere but down to the depths of the human ego.

There is a weird obsession with comparison. Comparing Player A to Player B to see who cracks the all-time starting five for the Lakers. We compare their stats, intangibles, and off-court legal woes. We compare teams in our arbitrary “Power Rankings” as if those mean anything to anyone. Here’s how my Power Rankings work. Whoever wins the championship is the top-ranked team. Every other team is in an unranked cesspool below.

Sports debates have the uncanny ability to turn a friendly sports discussion into a battle to recall stats, plays, rings, strength of schedule, and strength of teammates. Admiring players isn’t good enough unless you can rank them or play FMK with them. If you ever find yourself digging your heels in during one of these debates, please jump off a bridge. You are parroting TV segments that were designed to be time-killers and making them your identity. With that said, I do have a starting five for modern world leaders, so let’s introduce the starting lineup.

PG – Klaus Schwab – 5′ 10″

The best point guards have one thing in common: control. Control the pace of the game. Control distribution of the ball. Control the plays being run. Schwab, and by extension, his World Economic Forum (WEF), has this in droves. By Schwab’s own admission, the WEF has “penetrated the cabinets” of governments around the world with their recruited young leaders, helping to exert a private organization’s influence on Western democracies. Schwab is helping to control the pace and distribution of technological developments like digital IDs, Central Bank Digital Currencies (CBDCs), and safe and effective vaccines for diseases they haven’t cooked up yet. Schwab is more a distributor than a scorer, opting to stay mostly out of the spotlight. But when he does call his own number, he never fails to prove New World Order conspiracy theorists right.

SG – Barack Obama – 6′ 2″

This was an easy pick. We’ve never seen a shooting guard with Obama’s range. He can detonate an Afghan or Iraqi wedding from halfway around the world with his eyes closed and not even break a sweat. His one drawback is accuracy, but he makes up for it by being a volume shooter. With a 90% civilian kill rate, he needs to get a lot of shots up to be an effective shooter. Some may argue that his inaccuracy was beneficial, as it kept the defense on their toes and he still got his kickbacks from Raytheon for all of the missed shots. No defense could stop him. Not Afghanistan, not Iraq, not Syria, not Libya, not Yemen, not Somalia, and not Pakistan. Yes, strength of schedule works against him here, but its’s not like he controls the schedule. His arsenal of weapons and his willingness to use them kept the defense industry afloat during the worst exonomic downturn in recent history. One downside is questionable loyalty, as recent revelations indicate that he may have switched teams in the past.

SF – George W. Bush – 6′ 0″

Speaking of defense, Bush is arguably one of the best defenders of all time. Sure, he wasn’t able to defend well in one game his rookie season, but there are no perfect players. After the early gaffe, he really put the defensive clamps on. He used the Patriot Act to weaponize the surveillance state to bravely defend us Americans against ourselves and against teenage Arab-Americans with depression and learning disabilities. Only a few years later, he courageously defended Americans against weapons of mass destruction that totally existed and were aimed right at us and ready to launch. And after he took care of those totally real WMDs, he generously Defended Iraqi Freedom. Bush really invested himself in defense. Along with teammate Barack Obama, the US defense budget increased from $320B in 2000 to $752B in 2011. Bush’s defensive acumen is well worth the cost and has earned him a spot in the starting five without debate. But let’s not forget about his best offensive weapons, the crossover and the spin move. During most of his speeches, he would begin a metaphor, then he would hit the audience with a devastating crossover into another metaphor. The Bushism is probably the only signature move in this lineup. But he can also spin. Somehow, he was able to take a career of being hated and maligned by the left and spin that into being universally adored by making some oil paintings and by waiting for the next Republican to take office. Now watch this free throw.

PF – Donald J. Trump – 6′ 3″

While he may be a locker room distraction, Trump is truly an unpredictable and unstoppable player. You never know what he will say next or which snowflakes he will offend. Enduring two impeachments and four series of indictments, he is still somehow the frontrunner for the 2024 general election. You simply cannot stop this man. The more the media tries to stop him, the more powerful he becomes. The only one who can stop Trump is Trump himself. Biden campaigned from his basement and let Trump trip over his own feet, which proves to be a successful strategy. As long as Trump can stay out of his own way, there is no political party or institution that will be able to shake him. A powerful 6″ 3″ and upwards of 260, he can dominate in the post. His trash talk game is next level, and he’ll keep the guys entertained with his locker room talk.

C – Osama Bin Laden – 6′ 5″

Not the best locker room fit either with some of the guys on the list, but this pick is based on skillset only. Standing a disputed 6′ 5″ with long arms, Bin Laden dominates from the center position. Being the center of a team of a few dozen, he has shown unmatched leadership and strategic thinking. Haters may argue that his most famous gameplan was easily sniffed out by US intelligence but was used as a convenient pretext for invasion. Some crazier haters will even argue that US intelligence itself was behind the gameplan the whole time. I can’t say one way or the other, but you cannot doubt his leadership capabilities and his ability to get 19 headstrong men to buy into a common scheme against a strong opponent. He never had the flashy and new equipment that the other centers have, but he was able to get by on grit. A god-fearing man, Bin Laden is passionate about defeating his opponents using whatever means necessary, and this passion and resourcefulness help him round out the starting five.

Who’s in your starting five?