The vest is the Broadway playbill collection of clothing, in that it serves no inherent purpose beyond indicating the sexual proclivities of its owner. However, unlike playbill collecting, the straights tend to encroach on vest-wearing, and we need to put a long overdue end to this brutal and unjust invasion.

We’re taught at an early age that during extreme cold, the human body prioritizes protecting the vital organs at the expense of the extremities. Blood circulation to your fingers and toes is reduced in favor of remaining at and around your internal organs. Have you ever seen someone get frostbite of the liver? Didn’t think so. You mainly see the fingers, toes, and sometimes nose. Even absent extreme cold, from a purely mechanical and geometric perspective, your long and skinny arms are terribly inefficient for heat retention. All of this is to say that your arms get cold more quickly than your torso.

Which brings me to my point. Why wear a vest at all? I have never in my life had my arms be too hot and my chest be too cold. But Danny, you might say, you can wear other layers to keep your arms warm. Vests provide more freedom to move your arms. Freedom? Are you trying to throw a football 50 yards or swing on the monkey bars? If not, there is no functional reason to wear a vest instead of a normal jacket with sleeves. Vest serve only a fashion purpose and must be restricted for exclusive use by our gay brothers and sapphic sisters.

If I’m going to see a vest, it better be a black fleece or down North Face on a bear-otter hybrid, white t-shirt underneath, hairy forearms exposed, sipping a cider in a pumpkin patch. Or it better be a brown or tan Patagonia on a butch broad, long-sleeved red plaid flannel underneath, talking Flyers hockey while walking a pit bull. No exceptions. Anything outside these boundaries is not only a fashion faux pas but also an attack on science and democracy. I will proudly die on the hill that heterosexual people who wear vests must be eradicated. From drag shows to brunches to drag brunches, the straights have been launching a full-scale invasion of queer spaces, and we must protect the vest. Yes, they are useless as outerwear, but the stupid heteros haven’t figured out that they serve no functional, heat-retaining purpose. The LGBTQ+ community knows this and instead wear it as a pride symbol. We must coordinate a grassroots education effort to combat the thermal misinformation campaign waged upon us by Big Straight Vest.

I know I’m not one to give fashion advice since I look like Butt-Head with a dad bod. This is not fashion advice. This is education and advocacy. Your vest does nothing, and you look indescribably stupid, so stop wearing it, and leave it to the Ls and Gs.

But if I must give fashion advice, here it is: Gentlemen, stop tucking your ears into your baseball hats. You look like an autistic 9-year-old at baseball camp. Unless you have Dumbo ears or are wearing a hat 3 sizes too big, your ears have no excuse being tucked.